I AM A HELPMEET FOR ONE SPOUSE, A MOTHER FOR ONE ETERNAL FAMILY, I AM BECOMING ONE GENEAOLOGIST & I AM ONE ORDINANCE WORKER.
I firmly believe that God is the only person who has everything that I need. I believe that every man and woman must be fully developed in their singleness before Heavenly Father is going to link them up in a marriage covenant. A while back I made a post about God-sized holes. There are places in each person's life that only God Himself can fill not only in singleness but also in marriage. For instance, it does not matter how well put together a man or a woman is, until Heavenly Father finishes the work He started in us, none of us is ever going to be 100% complete without Him.
Our perfection is not even possible in mortality, which is why perfectionism and comparison is so ridiculous. We have no idea what anointing the Anointed One placed one each individual life. Looking at social media as if it is not like a photoshopped image literally makes no sense. When we see each other’s lives and experiences out of context it can only be tempting to see what someone is gaining in a winning season because we don’t know what they lost in a losing season. It often takes great sacrifice to accrue the deepest desires of our heart in a consistent and gradual time frame.
The scriptures say that every hair on our head is numbered (Matthew 10:29-30). Just because some of us choose not to know Him, even Elohim, our Heavenly Father, that does not mean that He is ignorant of us. On the contrary He is familiar in all of our ways and knows everything about us (Psalm 139:1). We are His offspring (Acts 17:28). No matter how chaotic life gets or seems at times to us, our Heavenly Father is never surprised by anything we do or that happens to us. Each member of the human family’s conception and birthplace was planned by our Heavenly Parents, yes—we do have a Heavenly Mother!
We are their treasured possession (Exodus 19:5). Flaws and all. Our imperfections are no surprise and we need not beat ourselves or others up about them. In mortality Jesus literally once said, “he who is without sin let him cast the first stone (John 8:7). The spirit of condemnation is of the devil. He likes to encourage us to be lifted up to pride and anger to destroy the unity our Heavenly Father could mold into our purpose if we were to all stick together as friends and family. All of us at some point are going to experience pain and trauma but it is meant to be a moment not a new lifestyle.
Or a sentence and not a full chapter or book series. There is nothing any of us can experience here in mortality that is above the reversing power of the Atonement when we turn our hearts toward our Savior and give Him our burdens. Our humility qualifies us for the healing we need. If we all knew where to turn there would not be so many counterfeits out there distracting us from our purpose. Satan likes fishing. He knows us as well as Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost and the angels. He is never going to stop baiting us while in mortality. We are here to be tested. We are here to learn from our mistakes.
The good news is that each one of us has a fixed fight. None of us as individuals has to be a perfect human being on our own because Jesus Christ is, our Advocate with the Father and He knows the way home. Who better to learn from than the Prince of Peace, King of Kings and the Perfect Judge? Doctrine and Covenants 111:11 says the most reassuring verse, “therefore, be ye wise as servants and yet without sin; and I will order all things for your good, as fast as ye are able to receive them. Amen.” This means we don’t have to know it all or have it all together right now.
Line upon line and precept upon precept (Isaiah 28:10-13). His grace is sufficient for all of us (Ether 12:27). Regardless of our spiritual and mortal ages, there are some universal milestones we all pass through individually, such as birth, baptism, priesthood ordinations, vicarious ordinances, church callings, mission calls, temple endowments, temple assignments, death, resurrection and the final judgement. Those in the first dispensation have the most time but even in these the last days, we still have over 1000 years to come to know and understand how to live the gospel of Jesus Christ.
So how does this apply to marriage and the rest of mortality. It’s simple. In relationships such as marriage, the title is husband or wife, but the inseparable function is head or helper. The scriptures are very clear about the roles of singles, spouses and parents. I also like to look to the Family: a Proclamation to the World because it is written and signed by the Apostles and First Presidency. The roles and responsibilities of each male and female are outlined to help us find clarity as we date. Dating is the process of seeking to eventually find an eternal companion but I genuinely believe there are many matches.
One of our jobs in dating is to rank and asses the strength of each growing relationship. It gives us a change to determine who are the best fit, from those who are better and good fits. Most of our relationships are going to become eternal friendships. One high quality spouse is all we need to establish and build an eternal family. It takes strong communication skills and plenty of time to differentiate the dateable from those who need ministering. Those in engagements, serious and romantic relationships must be self-aware and very clear about their standards. It takes a lot of honesty and patience.
It takes a lot of maturity, honesty and patience to build a foundation of a healthy relationship designed for eternal marriage in singleness. The level of discipline each individual has is naturally going to vary. I prefer to associate with those who know what they want. Otherwise if I enter relationships, it has been my experience, that the title is clear, but the function is not. Some guys want a nurse, others want premarital sex, some are just looking for a steady activity partner. Some want marriage but they have not taken any practical steps in any area of their lives but finances and maybe personal hygiene.
It really does not help that there is nothing in the scriptures that even talks about dating or courtship. This is why a lot of people are confused. Each woman is going to function as a helper or wife before she gets married. Likewise, each man is going to function as a head of household or a husband before he proposes. More clarity can be found in the scriptures when you examine the company you keep. We may not be responsible for what we attract, but all of us, are responsible for who, what, when where and how we entertain. The more self-reliant we become emotionally, financially and spiritually the better.
When two healthy individuals (not perfect people) come together Heavenly Father shows us green flags just like when one or two unhealthy individuals Heavenly Father shows us red and yellow flags. Red flags tell us when to stop entertaining or dating people that are not conducive to the person we were created to be so that we don’t waste our time, experience heartache and become bitter. Whoever is a suitable match to date and marry is going to value the same things. I have met many good men that simply had different values. We quickly realized we were not a match. Some of us chose to remain friends.
While others pulled back or I did and we regressed back to acquaintances. I think the sooner a dealbreaker is discovered the better. When you are not a match you can be polite about it. When you are a match and the 9 principles listen in the Family: a Proclamation to the world are all consistently present it can be exciting because you know you have found a match. Preferences are so much easier to work work around. I have discovered several married couples where one struggled with an addiction but gave it up for the relationship. When two people love each other and put Christ first marriages can last for an eternity.
Despite the character weaknesses and it is fascinating to me how Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost made it work. Just like the marriages where one maybe encountered sexual assault. Jesus Christ can redeem any relationship. When selfishness and pride are laid aside. Hearts can be healed and couples can become closer than they ever were as they get in the ring and fight together. Some individual work still has to be done of courage but it’s a lot easier to keep fighting the good fight when you know you are not in it alone. When someone you love and they love you back anything is possible.
I have seen couples on the brink of a divorce start attending 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings or individual and couples therapy and in less than a year both were temple worthy again. Weeping turned to joy. Dysfunction was transformed into healthier behavioral patterns. Accountability replaced avoidance and contention. Eternal marriage requires partnership not only between the spouses but Jesus Christ also needs to be in the center of the relationship. Therapy is an excellent too. Just like prayer, meditation, temple attendance, scripture study, church service and anointed friendships.
The two most important decisions we are ever going to make in this mortal life revolve around a) accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ and b) who we marry. Therefore, who we marry needs to care about the gospel just as much as you do. You can only know this if they are already living a Christ-centered life before they met you. Or if they are willing to consistently adopt a Christ-centered life as they get to know you but I do not encourage missionary dating. Your Christ-centered lives need to continue as you build a friendship. Both of you must continue to be Christ-centered as you date and eventually marry.
I have seen too many marriages fall apart within a year after civil and temple marriages took place. One had the eternal perspective but at some point the other lost it or perhaps never had it. Sometimes people relapse or regress back into their pre-LDS or Christian lives and it can cause heartache. I encourage stage appropriate honesty, transparency and vulnerability in dating and relationships. I say stage appropriate because healthy relationships take time to build. When they are grounded in faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities they thrive.
The next logical step could very well be engagement if you are a solid match and done shopping around. By match I simply mean that there are no dealbreakers in the 9 areas listed in the Family: a Proclamation to the World. If there is nothing in your current life or their's that would break the deal and you have Heavenly Father's blessing--go for it. I like to celebrate happy couples. They are the ones who understand God holes, spouse roles, titles and functions. Their commitment is so high they are willing to keep learning and progressing individually as well as collectively together.
What I mean is that, only God can complete individuals and couples. Spouses are meant to complement who God created you to be by yourself. The three work together to create Christ-centered homes and families. I have not always had a relationship development blueprint but when it comes to stage appropriate conversations, activities and commitments I think it makes a lot of sense. It also simplifies the dating process for me. Especially, if someone is rushing me to move faster than I feel comfortable, it makes me ask more questions rather than sweeping me off my feet because I believe in sexual integrity.
Which means that I do not skip steps. If someone is already or only thinking about the honeymoon or the wedding night when they first start talking to me. It’s going to cause discomfort. In my opinion no one should be talking about marriage or exes on a first date. Likewise it is inappropriate to argue with someone about their values and standards. No counter proposal they make is ever going to be acceptable. This is generally why I do not give out my phone number to new acquaintances. It’s just too soon with a guy who may be primarily motivated by lust.
You will be able to see the fruit of the Spirit in the way they live their lives before, during and after dating you. Any guy that disappears just because you won’t drop all of your plans to “fit into” his world or kiss him on his timetable is not someone that wants a healthy relationship. They just may want a few dopamine hits but they get that through someone on tinder or even at a club. I avoid people with such low standards. I want to be temple matron someday. So I am okay when dating doesn't lead to engagement or marriage, because it may have influenced me to be a better person just by getting to know them a little better.
Friendship > Dating > Courtship > Engagement > Civil Marriage > Adoptions > Temple Sealings
Perhaps my relationship developmental model is not for everyone, but I am a convert. For those who are multigenerational members, they can probably skip over the civil marriage step unless they are dating, actively pursuing or already engaged to a convert. There is room for everyone to fit at Heavenly Father’s table. We are all precious in His eyes. That is one reason why I have always been open to non-traditional families. Especially for members of the Church who may struggle with fertility at some point. Some may be able to prevail with the assistance of technology.
However, for those who fall into a premature menopausal state, fostering children is a great way to learn more about parenthood, while helping other family units become more stable. Some of those children may fall in-love with the gospel and cherish the way that you treat them so much that they may wish to be adopted. Foster adoptions can be a healing balm for all parts of the family when such family ties are kept open. Foster care and adoption agencies make sure that you receive all of the necessary training to be nurturing parents. The fostering and adoption process can be a type of ministry in itself.
It takes two very big-hearted spouses, and they exist all over the world. Probably most spouses will be sealed prior to those adoptions but the additional sealings can be scheduled as needed as the families grow. The process of building eternal families may look different for each husband and wife. All of these things are sorted out and arranged by Heavenly Father. I am looking forward to that stage in my life, but I am also very happy with where I am right now. I think it's important to find the joy in all aspects of our lives regardless of which season we are in or how long they last.
Regardless of our interests we can find many wonderful opportunities to serve each other and our Father in Heaven throughout our lives. One of my favorite ways to serve is inside the temple. Being able to seal families and extend all of the ordinances of the temple vicariously is a great work. I love finding and retelling family stories as well. Family time is sacred to me. Just as sacred as partaking of the sacrament. I think that those who are single, in friendship and dating or relationships have an opportunity to enhance the quality of each other as they live Christ-centered lives.
For those who are already married and have been at this refining process for a while, I commend them because they are role models. As a member of the Relief Society, I receive many opportunities to strengthen homes and families. Strength to others can come without speaking any words at all. It can be the simple ways you live the gospel in your everyday life. I am grateful that the missionaries found me a couple of decades ago. I am grateful for their patience. It was not easy to win me or any of my sisters over. Now I can't even imagine my life without the gospel. It's just priceless to me.
I used to think that the gospel was a part of my life but now I understand that I am actually a part of the gospel. The green flags for discipleship are listed in Galatians 5: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance. When I consider the people around me, these are the things I look for. Heavenly Father intended for all of us to only have one spouse. Everyone else is going to be a friend, acquaintance, coworker, neighbor, ward member etc. Why not make their relationships as healthy and strong as possible. True friends enrich our lives, and we enrich there's.
I understand this is not everyone's story, but Heavenly Father wants to have a relationship with each of us and to make provisions for all of us to have healthy relationships with each other. I believe we were born into families for several reasons. I am grateful for the gradual restoration of all things during this dispensation of the fulness of times. I am grateful for Brother Joseph. He and Emma were so brave. I've been privileged to learn so much about the pioneers. I am grateful for how much Heavenly Father trusts each one of us. I am grateful for the Atonement. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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